2005-04-01
wish
In 1999 the musical group I belonged to, halfstep began its deterioration. It started with juan nodding out on the way home because he was pharmied up. The group lost momentum. By the time it started to swing up again it was too late. 2 members and one girlfriend we full fledged heroin addicts. Somewhere in this, It is my belief that God intervened, via my motor vehicle accident. Ironically, my life was saved by the drug dealer who was providing my brothers and sister the heroin. What I ended up with was no music at all. It has been my life. My breath. Through it all I ended up with the most wonderful woman I could have ever imagined, and some things I could not have imagined too. (She is truly my soul mate and best friend). If nothing else ever occurs in my life, I give thanks to God for this woman, and the people I got to touch with music. The whole thing became just sad. Pathetic even
back in december I worked sound for a band called somebodys closet. The music took over my being and made me feel like picking up my instrument. The more I learned of their music, the more obsessed I have become about it. I am devouring all the music I can find of theirs to learn. It feels so good to play this music. It makes me feel beautiful inside to stand up there with them performing. In many ways I can identify with it better than halfsteps music. It makes me feel like I have never paid attention when I played. Because I pay so much attention. Because I want to enhance, in some way, the music I hear, instead of leading, and being a dominant sound. The thought of performing with these people, makes me nuts. It makes my stomach hurt. The though of them saying no torments me. It is as if it being dangled in front of me just out of reach. I want it so bad... But do I wish to jump off to grab it? I am an intense person at times, this I know. I could seem too aggressive and scare them off. They have had the hurt of losing musicians, including their guitar player who just left one day. (a fool IMO, but he has his reasons) They say they are not looking for a replacement, but I can't help but wish with my whole spirit, that they will give me a shot. I feel with all they have been through, and myself, that I have no right to even ask for a chance. (they really don't know me that well) It is a tangled web I weave in my own mind. and I am scared........ I would have a hard time believing that music would leave to never return. So I sit here and pray.
back in december I worked sound for a band called somebodys closet. The music took over my being and made me feel like picking up my instrument. The more I learned of their music, the more obsessed I have become about it. I am devouring all the music I can find of theirs to learn. It feels so good to play this music. It makes me feel beautiful inside to stand up there with them performing. In many ways I can identify with it better than halfsteps music. It makes me feel like I have never paid attention when I played. Because I pay so much attention. Because I want to enhance, in some way, the music I hear, instead of leading, and being a dominant sound. The thought of performing with these people, makes me nuts. It makes my stomach hurt. The though of them saying no torments me. It is as if it being dangled in front of me just out of reach. I want it so bad... But do I wish to jump off to grab it? I am an intense person at times, this I know. I could seem too aggressive and scare them off. They have had the hurt of losing musicians, including their guitar player who just left one day. (a fool IMO, but he has his reasons) They say they are not looking for a replacement, but I can't help but wish with my whole spirit, that they will give me a shot. I feel with all they have been through, and myself, that I have no right to even ask for a chance. (they really don't know me that well) It is a tangled web I weave in my own mind. and I am scared........ I would have a hard time believing that music would leave to never return. So I sit here and pray.
